Self Obsessed and Sexxee – Sonic Youth
There’s a lot of relationships I want to rebuild.
In particular, Marisa has to put up with every single up and down of my “journey”. When my myeloma is being intensely physical, it becomes a very solitary experience. But even though Marisa isn’t a physical participant in it, she still has to put up with it, and me, every single day.
Relationships often don’t survive massive trauma. When one reads stories, for example, of couples who have lost a child, one isn’t at all surprised if the couple subsequently separated. Trauma is isolating and disruptive. From the very beginning I found my myeloma pulled us into different rhythms.
We recently passed the milestone of 20 years since we met and started going out. We are both significantly different people than we were back then. There have been many times, these last few years, when I have worried and lamented what myeloma has done to us. I’m sure I will worry about that again.
But I will also cling to another insight. Everybody grows. Everybody changes. A strong relationship means continually building a new relationship together. So, I’ve stopped worrying about what we’ve been through. The next 20 years will, inevitably, be different from the last. And it’s our job to create it.
As always, I owe a massive debt of thanks to you, Marisa. For sticking by me when I don’t always deserve it. For carrying all the weight that I am unable to. I’m so proud of you for the person that you have become, the career you have built, and for being such a conscientious, devoted mother.
I will always be sorry for what myeloma has done, because even though I know it is not my fault, they are still my cells. It is part of me.
But… None of us knows what tomorrow holds. And everyone has to navigate the complexities of being in their 40s. It’s really not all about the myeloma.
When I’m done with this SCT, let’s paint the town red. Love you.