More Chemo, A Funeral and A Birthday

Here I sit pondering the last moments of my 55th year on this beautiful, yet conflicted earth, as my personal clock rolls over to 56. I am overwhelmed by so many thoughts and so much going on in my life and others’…
I have incurable cancer… yet so fortunate to be treated with miraculous life lengthening chemicals, which are extending my life beyond original expectations.
I have survived this deadly, terminal cancer now for 6 years, due to the expert care I received by my beautiful, intelligent, deeply caring Hematologist/Oncologist Dr Soon-Ki Lee…
Now…
I am here… she is not…

Today I attended her funeral/memorial service and my heart is absolutely broken. Broken that her life was so abruptly cut short, by her own sudden medical complication. How can this be? I just don’t understand this complicated life. It makes less and less sense to me, the older I get.
Why am I still here, and she is not?
The absolute irony of her diagnosing and treating my terminal illness, helping to extend my life and I am still here… and she is not. She’s younger than me, smarter than me, she saved my life, and gave her life in medical service to others… and now she’s gone.
My heart just aches for her family. For her husband and teenage children and all her loved ones, I briefly met today.

She was so loved and so respected!
Tribute bouquets framed the walkway

Goodbye beautiful, caring, intelligent Dr Lee. Such a special lady I care so deeply for, who impacted my life so profoundly, for whom I and my family are eternally grateful. Goodbye Dr Lee, you are my “Angel-Doctor” now…
I cannot wrap my head around this loss…

Forward life goes…

Week 2 of Kyprolis happened
“So far, So good”…
Dr Lee would always say as a question
Yes, Dr Lee
“So far, So good”..
I am managing
I am hanging in there
Your staff is taking great care of me

First needle insertion hit a dead-end…
The fluid began to back up, bubble up
My nurse reroutes the healing poison process
In time, it was
“So far, So good”
Here’s how we do chemo-
I take these pictures, I post these pictures
But this whole thing is still too surreal
I feel like I am journaling someone else’s life
Sunset
Walking out
Navigating the parking structure
Life moving below at a frenetic pace
We are
Ants in scurrying around this complicated maze

(Thank you Rachael for this awesome picture!)

Home
Life moves forward
Happy doggies
Fall leaves
Innocence 
They know, they sense, they feel
But they really don’t know
I think that’s better… 
Maybe?

 Not so happy birthday
My heart is heavy

And so my year of symbolic 5’s is coming to a close.
55 turns into 56
5 turns into 6
5 years since myeloma diagnosis, becomes 6 years in December
5 years ingesting, injecting chemotherapy, becomes 6 years in January 2016
5 years since Stem Cell Transplant will become 6 years July 2016
5 years trying to wrap my brain around cancer and it’s impact on my life, becomes 6 years
Posting on the 5’s, will become posting on the 6’s

But 5 and half years will be that Forever, the time I had with beautiful Dr Lee…

Live happy,
live well, and make a difference somewhere, somehow, with someone or something
as often as you can!