As much as I might complain about it to you and say that it is one of the most debilitating parts of having myeloma, there are occasions when I forget about my chronic pain. A consequence of forgetting about my chronic pain, is forgetting the cause of my pain and the need for me to protect that pain from more of it. By that, I mean that I occasionally forget to protect my bones. My stupid, stupid bones. As pain is an everyday experience, it has become my norm and something that I rarely think about even though it is with me all the time.
Unable to remember what it feels like to not be in pain, I have been lulled into a false sense of security. The bones are getting better, I do not notice the need to wake whenever I roll over in bed anymore and I can walk just that little bit further than i could a year ago, soon I’ll be able to go on a roller coaster again. That is what I tell myself multiple times a week. As I have resumed Life, I am forced to do things that previously, I would not do because a big flashing red light would appear in my head, alerting me to the danger of them.
Walking slightly faster, lifting anything heavier than EMan, bending down, changing my bedding and cutting my toenails are all things I have attempted and do without thinking about the consequence of me doing them. Maybe I think about the positive consequences about being able to do them. Doing them is not exceptional and that is occasionally where my thinking falls when I do them. I do not want to be anymore exceptional than I need to be. When I have completed at least two of those activities, I end up lying on my bed for upwards of an hour waiting for the pain to subside, but I at least I did it, was my mentality.
The truth is, if somebody held a gun to my head, or I can do the activities I noted above. I can do it through the pain it may cause because I do not register the pain in the way I ought to. There are exceptions to the rule, sitting on the grass in a park or standing for more than hour are things I have to sadly avoid now because my lower back is very quick to remind me of its presence.
Sadly for me, there are times when I remember just that little but