Like I Never Left …

Back at work today, at least for a bit.  Took yesterday off to get unpacked and rest, but I just had too much to do here to stay away from the office at least for a half day.  Also I feel some guilt over being paid for two months for effectively doing fucking nothing, especially when there’s so much to be done.

It’s weird being here.  In some ways I feel like I never left, and in other ways I feel like I’ve transcended this particular existence and am someone else now, someone different.  I’m being handed things like I never left, slipping back into roles I’ve played for almost two decades, but it feels like a new skin.

I need to start getting in touch with some folks to set up “I’m back” lunches and whatnot, but I think that’s going to have to wait until next week.  I feel unsteady being back here, abnormal a bit, and I’d like to get my sea legs back first.  Plus now that I actually look like what people expect of a cancer patient (my hair has continued to fall out and nothing is growing back yet) I’m feeling a bit shy about things.  I know that’s silly but there it is.

I miss the cats … I would have thought two months away from the house would have ameliorated some of that longing, but it’s just brutally present when I’m home.  Not sure how to swing getting more since Amy is fed up with pets and seems to revel in the fact that “we’re never having pets again.”  I don’t blame her, but at the same time I’m not sure she understands the importance anymore — motherhood really re-prioritized things in her brain in terms of animals.

I’m at odds, mentally, with who I am right now.  This is a weird time, mentally, as I won’t really find out until early June how effective the stem cell transplant was.  Another waiting game, of which there seems to be an endless supply when you have this disease.

On a totally non-pithy note, if nothing else I seem to have kicked my Starbucks habit.  I still love coffee, I just have brought a French press to work instead.  So now Ariana gets to go to college!