Contemplation and aloneness is a good thing

   

      It is this joyous time, when feasting and merriment abound that many feel most bummed out.
I too am such a person, who really has to struggle with each passing year to keep my spirits up!

     Perhaps I need a visit from Dickens’ Three ghosts to reorient my mind, but I doubt that would help.
I have been, how do we say it, not myself since my diagnosis February 27, 2009 with the precursor to Myeloma.  The same cancer killed my father and my brother.  It is difficult to dismiss that out of mind and daily it is a dark cloud above me.    I am like “Little Abner” in the cartoon who had the rain cloud above him always.

     It does not help that my children are grown.  I always enjoyed their christmas excitement when they opened their presents and played all day in the house.  Jaded young adults, obsessed with boyfriends or working constantly are not as fun or cheery as 5 yr olds!  I have bought  each of them cars  and am sending one to an expensive private college….to no apparent avail or much appreciation.  

     Perhaps I should have been like Ebenzer Scrooge and shut myself off from the world, extended no warmth to mankind and miserly spent my own money.  Living alone, thinking alone, existing alone would now have been no different in middle age than if I had not tried to venture forth as a young man and live life to the fullest.

     I believe that is why I enjoyed my retreat at the Abbey,  I existed on bare minimums, did what I wanted when I wanted.  I had very little human contact or contact of any kind save with nature.
I hiked in the woods alone…….

     Frankly I did not think as much about  the “Emperor of All Maladies” to steal a title of from the book about cancer.  Sequeststration of oneself is a good thing for me….. I must return to it by now having more alone time.   I find I am happier alone, have always been as a child growing up on a farm where the nearest neighbor was 2 miles away.

     I had only my dogs and horses for company on the farm, I ventured out , alone almost daily  and talked to no one.  It will be hard to do this now built I vow to start and accomplish this in 2014