A Simple Procedure

I sat up and swung my feet over the side of the bed. Something nagged at the back of my mind as I stumbled into the bathroom. That’s about as far as I can walk without sagging to the ground in agony, my spine feeling like the bones have been heated white hot. I was halfway to the john when it dawned on me what was out of place. When I had closed my eyes I was at the VA hospital. A few minutes later… “Honey!” I called out. “How did I get here?”

“Well,” said my loving wife, “when you were really little a stork picked you up from Baby Island…”

“No, no, no. I mean, wasn’t I just at the VA?”

“Oh! As a matter of fact, yes you were. Today was your colonoscopy.” she replied sweetly.

“Ah, well that explains what just happened in the bathroom. It was like someone sat on the world’s largest whoopie cushion. But how did I get home?” I asked.

“You drove.”

I drove?” Really?”

“It was quite a trip. I’m sure all of those people will forgive you. Eventually.” she said sounding wistful.

“Wow. I don’t remember a thing. That Fentanyl is some amazing stuff.”

“The doctor said that you were very helpful during the procedure and he learned a lot about autonomous drones from you. Apparently your explanation was so engaging that most of the department stopped to listen to your dissertation. You were quite the performer they said.” commented my wife. “Everyone in the cafeteria was talking about you and drones when I stopped in for coffee.”

“I sort of thought that the procedure would be more private. It’s a little embarrassing to think that a whole bunch of people were watching me get a camera stuffed into my nether regions.”

“According to the doctor, you were calling people over. You said that the world needed to understand that drones were benign objects that simply offered a wonderful perspective on nature’s beauty and not a spy device. As I understand it, there was standing room only. They did limit the number of pictures people could take. Of course, it’s hard to say how many people were clandestinely filming with their phones. We’ll have to check YouTube later.”

“YouTube? Oh my god. I was drugged! Aren’t doctors supposed to realize a patient’s impairment and protect them even from themselves?” I said.

“No. Their job was pretty much taking high definition movies of your colon. Not that that’s a movie I’d stand in line to see.”

“I don’t know. You stood in line for Star Trek, Into Darkness. That was creepy.”

“Creepy was the ride home with you in the car. But like I said, those people…”

“Will forgive me eventually. What did I do?” I interrupted.

“Well, you helped an elderly lady across the street.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“She’d just crossed the street and you dragged her back to where she started.” said my wife, nodding.

“Well, it’s the thought that counts.” I pouted. “What else?”

“In front of a school you threatened a number of kids with a jack handle swearing that if they weren’t wearing pants that fit when you came back by tomorrow you’d knock them out, take their clothes and let them spend the rest of the day naked.”

“Can you blame me? Those kids look stupid wearing pants with the waist around their knees. It’s like they’re modeling underwear. And not very clean underwear at that.” I said, shuddering. “Someone has to teach these little jerks how to get along in society.

“That’s why the school principal let you go and didn’t call the cops.”

“Cops? What would they charge me with? Felony maturity?”

“You asked. I answered. By the way, how are you feeling?” asked my wife.

“Well, I’m actually still kind of sleepy.”

“Why don’t you lay down again.”

“Good idea.” I said.