He did a double take. “Um, your shirt. What is Spokane Squirrel Rentals?” asked my doctor.
“They do it all.” I answered. “Security, inventory, bookkeeping. We’re quite proud of our record of success.”
“I’ll give you this, you’re one of my most interesting patients. You’re always wearing a tee shirt that says unexpected things.” He tapped his pen on his lower lip and studied me.
“That’s what I like.” I smiled. “A doctor totally focused on my health.”
He sighed. “Okay, so what can we do for you today?”
“Well, it’s just another followup appointment.”
“Anything new?” he asked.
“Just been really tired a lot. I’ve been sleeping a lot and I stay tired. Pain is average.”
“Well, you’re blood is looking better. Less anemia.” He looked at his computer screen. “Well, it’s not spectacularly better. You were at 10.2 and now 11.1. Not too anemic, we see a lot worse.”
“So, how come I’m so beat? I can’t seem to get away from waking up in the morning, making it a couple of hours, then falling over to sleep and hour –or maybe two. Then I wake up and repeat the process. This happens around the clock.”
“Well, it could be that your testosterone levels are low.” he said.
My wife injected “Low T.”
“Oh jeez.” I complained. “You sound like those lame commercials. Just say ‘low testosterone.’ I don’t want to be reduced to a retard like those grinning mindless jerkoffs they show on those ads. They start showing a guy looking forlorn and dragging, he takes a pill and the next scene he’s bent his wife over the dishwasher screaming I.Feel.Great! They’re as bad as the cialis ads. I can’t see a bathtub anymore without thinking of two old farts going at it like rabbits.” I shuddered. “Gross!”
“Well,” said my doctor, “we could look into Ritalin.”
“What? Now I’m A.D.D. Did my teacher complain that ‘Bobby is just to busy in class’ or something?
“No, in children Ritalin will slow them down. In adults, the opposite.”
“I don’t do well with stimulants. They’re like steroids; my heartrate skyrockets, blood pressure jumps up, and I get really pissed off at everybody and everything.”
My wife nodded. “Roid rage.” she said. “It’s not pretty.”
“Hokaaay.” said the doc, “I guess we’ll shelf that idea. No Ritalin.”
“I think that’s best.” I said. “Don’t we have anything that could just knock me out for a solid eight hours at bedtime? Maybe if I slept through the night I wouldn’t be so burned out and keep sleeping during the daytime.”
“Well, we’re already giving you a double dose of Temazepam and Diphenhydramine. That should put an elephant to sleep.”
“Maybe I should gain some weight then, because it will knock me out but I still wake up within two or maybe three hours. Is there a sustained action Temazepam like my Morphine?”
“Nope. Nothing like that. We can’t really give you a depressant since you’re taking Morphine. Something like Seconal would probably lead to respiratory arrest. Pretty yucky, things like that.”
“Yucky. That’s what ten years of medical school does for you.”
He ignored the dig. “I’m afraid you’re just going to have to tough it out. Maybe you could rent a squirrel.”
“I would, but the little bastards won’t give me a discount. They want me to pay full freight.”
Squirrels are disloyal.” said my wife. “That’s why I like cats.”
“Cats? Jeez, cats have nothing but disdain for the whole human race.” I complained.
“Yes, but they do it with dignity.” replied my wife.
“She has you there.” agreed the doctor.
“Did you know that cats comprise a third of the volume of images on the Internet?” I asked.
“That’s not surprising.” nodded the doc. “About every fourth email I get has a picture of a cat someone is sharing. I wish people would stop sending me that stuff.”
“I can’t tell you how many people send me stuff about how I should be fighting my cancer. Jalapeno peppers, frozen lemons, bi-tufted insect anuses, I swear to god, I think just about every possible compound has been suggested..”
“I have friends who think because I work for the VA and get a paycheck from the government that I’m interested in NRA materials and black helicopter shi… stuff.” moaned my doctor.
“Weird Al talks about that. Check it out.” I said. “Just click to play.”
My wife and I waited while the doc watched the video. “Wow!” he said. “I’m going to forward that to everyone I know.” He was laughing hard enough he found it hard to speak. I started laughing when he said he was going to forward the video. ”What?” he asked, totally missing the irony.
“Never mind. I guess my work here is done. So, I should return in a month?” I asked.
“Okay then. See you in June.”