The blank white screen.
I don’t usually have this problem.
But since my trip to York I have been struggling to blog.
FL has been in the depths of despond. My short absence triggered his insecurities. If being away from him for one night fired me up so much, perhaps I should just go away altogether? No, no, no. NO! That is not what it is all about at all! But it has taken a week of his morose silences and my anxious proddings to get him to articulate his “problem” with me. Which is so convoluted and just plain wrong that it does my head in.
It’s all right – we have regained a level of understanding, but it was enough to send me into a spiral of forboding and upset, which left me exhausted and confused. We are friends again. How could we ever be anything else?
A wise friend told me that people who are seriously ill often suffer from these waves of insecurity, doubting that anyone might care for them because they are no longer the people they used to be. Perhaps I molly-coddle him too much. If I challenged him more and gave in less, perhaps he would be happier? But my instinct is to look after him, to try to make his life as calm and settled as possible. Who knew that would make him feel patronised and suspicious of my motives?
Big huge sigh.
So I have been an emotional wreck for a week. I have knitted. I tried to cut out a dress, but ended up curled on the floor on top of my material in an exhausted heap until I was too cold to move. Not good.
But I think we have come out the other side now. He is talking to me again. He might even have begun to understand that I value his friendship and need his support just as much as he needs mine. That we are in this together. That we are, in fact, each other’s Best Friends?
I have joined another KnitAlong – woo hoo!
Westy’s Besties starts on 8 February and includes 12 new Stephen West designs for colourwork, accessories and full-scale garments and Jared Flood’s photography of Iceland. And wool. Did I mention the wool?
|Picture stolen from the WestKnits blog|