I often ask myself why I have ended up with myeloma. Of all the cancers, in all the world, why I would have to go and get one that has made my bones weak, has no cure and is just so stubborn. I recall whilst in hospital asking what causes myeloma, whether any of my lifestyle choices led me down this horrible path, and I was told probably not. It can just happen.
This morning I read an article about how a popular diet pill, which I took three years ago, may prevent anti-cancer drugs from working effectively and that these pills can cause kidney and other organ failure. Did I do this to myself? Is the reason my paraprotein level is going down so slowly, because I took a diet pill, which you can get from the GP? To be clear, I got mine from Boots.
According to the Cancer Reseach UK website, people who are overweight or obese have a higher chance of getting myeloma. That is me. Is this why I have myeloma? Taller women too, apparently have a higher chance of getting the disease. I am five foot and eight and half inches tall. Is this tall? Is this why I have myeloma?
My research (a Google search) did not evidence that alcohol and smoking can be a cause, but how do people really know? Are all my previous vices to blame for what is happening to me now? When I was a child, I used to like to drink vinegar, Sarsons Malt Vinegar to be precise. Is this why I have myeloma? I also used to like eating a bit of ceiling now and again. Is this why I have myeloma?
Knowing what caused My Myeloma, would make no difference to the current situation. I know that. I would just like to know whether it was my fault. Is it my fault that I am not at work today and just had to take five pills? Is it my fault that I now have to sleep in a stationary position? Is it my fault that the paraprotein is not going down fast enough? Is it my fault that I have not been to the BFI side July? I just want to know. Mind you, I would prefer the Medically Trained People to firstly get my paraprotein to zero and secondly, come up with a cure. That would be nice. The latter would not just be self serving, it would help others too. Do these thoughts buy me some good karma?
As for me, today, I am going to try and not spend the next 24 hours thinking about my end of cycle paraprotein result, which I am due to get tomorrow. Once again, I am in the situation where I do not know what I am doing on Monday until we know whether the paraprotein has fallen below 19. Regardless of the result, I will still require ‘salvage treatment’ in January. I would just like to know that my body is still responding so I get to have my last cycle of PADIMAC.
Think 18 or below.
I am now going to get out of bed. I have a party to go to tonight, thus I should probably shave my legs.