Day 79 – The fear is growing

I’ve been feeling a bit down the last day or two…..it came on really suddenly after what I suppose has been a really good spell. I’m not sure what exactly is the cause but I think that there are two things.

The first is that I am tired…..take that back….I am KNACKERED! Basically it is my own fault as apart from today, I haven’t had sleep for the past 4 days. I haven’t done that to be stubborn or because I’ve particularly been pushing myself, but because I truly didn’t feel like I needed it. For the first time in ages, I went to bed on Tuesday in the day and just couldn’t sleep….so I did stuff and that night felt fine :-) . The next day was the same and yesterday I still felt good at lunchtime and so didn’t go to bed but pottered around the house. But last night at the kids teatime, boy did it kick in. I had to put them in the bath and go and lie down for a bit. And then Nick and I had a nice row that I picked about something that really wasn’t important. I ended up going to bed earlyish at 9.30 with feet that killed with the neuropathy, but fell asleep within half an hour because I was so tired. And today I have had another sleep but I’m still exhausted! I think my body is telling me not to forget what I’ve been through and that whilst I might get some respite from the daytime sleeps, my body still needs rest.

The other reason I think I’m tired and emotional, is because my d-day is growing closer. On Tuesday I go into hospital to have my 3 month bone marrow biopsy. I hate the biopsies as they are always painful, (even when I have diazipam!) but even more than that I hate what they mean. They tell me what my life looks like for a while, and this time, more than ever, they will tell me what my life is likely to look like for a long time. This biopsy will tell me whether I am in remission or not. It will tell me whether I can stay off the nasty drugs for a while. It will tell me just to what extent I can enjoy my family over the next 12 months. And I am so scared that it might tell me the wrong thing….that I have relapsed and that my transplant wasn’t a success. But I try not to think of that and to be positive. And then when I’m this tired it is hard to keep believing that.

Anyway, it is 2 weeks on Tuesday before I will find out so a bit of a waiting game! And in the meantime I need to try to forget (apart from when they’re digging the screwdriver into my backside!) and get on with enjoying life.